Do not be surprised, "and you KNOW who you are"

Do not be surprised, "and you KNOW who you are" I do not have to tell you, YOU know!!  If the WORLD hate you, they hated me before they hated you, It is the LOVE of money that is the ROOT of all EVIL, Many ERR on account of this LOVE OF MONEY, I will take care of you, but do not LUST after this filth lucre, what can you do after you have amassed so much MONEY, EAT it??? Go ahead!! try it??? And whose have eaten it, turn into Assholes and do not care for their fellow man, ME only they say, YOU can starve.... They say Let Jesus into your heart, I say beware, who you  let into your heart, there are many deceivers out there. many voices, many more with them then with the true. Scripture will faret this out , but beware of written scripture, it is easily muddied, learn to hear my voice and my spirit. it is in I Co 12-14 too. learn to hear my voice, my spirit, you may or may not be very popular, never FEAR... this is enough, for now..ponder, meditate on it....think deeply... 

A Milestone is reached on New Road,

A milestone on New Road, Mr. L passed on. Where did Mr L. go? Catholics think positively that Mr. L went to Heaven IF he died in the state of Grace, with no major sins, venial or mortal,  so that he would have to work them off in purgatory. Oh! of course Mr. L went right  to Heaven, being 100 years old, how could he not? In his life, as I remember, he took up the collection in the 1960's at church, his daughter went to school with me, a couple years ahead because she was older, and his other daughter was much older. How could he not go to heaven, knowing the rigamarole of rules involved in the church, that later was done away with.  Who could keep all those rules, catholics?  Some are sooo good and SOME, not so good.  Even if you never went to mass again, if ask,  you always say Catholic, with no doubt.  Is there any doubt, you probably don't know the bible, but who needs to be cluttered with that knowledge?  Whatever the priest, or the Baltimore catachism, says is good enough. Look at those Evangelicals, how screwy they are. Of course they say the same thing, whatever the preacher preaches is OK, as long as we think he knows the bible, why should we read it, that takes so much  work, is it really worth it? It's in latin, or greek or hebrew, and who knows those languages these days and after all there are no originals, only copies, so who knows what? Maybe the Holy Ghost or holy ghost?  and where is he these days, if he is a he, maybe he's not a he or she, maybe an IT. Oh god!!!! thats to much so lets just leave now before it's to late, Okay...     

Have you considered the families in the Bible?

Have you considered things about the bible? Have you ever considered that the bible maybe family lines and generations of families? Moses and  then  Abrahams family. Maybe the bible was ones plea from the grave, pleas that we may know that mankind is a family, with family squabbles and misfits, and weirdoes everything that encompasses a family, and there someones that are sowing discord among this family. There are some sins, if we may call them sins, that are emphasized above others, like homosexuality, oh I shudder at the word, I'd much rather be called gay then that. Someone down through the ages didnot like this man/man or woman/woman thing, but it is such  a natural thing when you get men & women, men & men and women and women together. We're gonna want to socialize in varied and many ways, some in more or less different ways. Men like to hang out with other men,  naturally. Going fishing with the boys, except when it gets a little touchy feely at some point,  this is changing, though.  Women  can get away with more intimacy, it's in their nature, or they are just  subtly allowed to. Whoever made us as a species must figure that these things just happen, when you get people together, and ever since someone has been trying to straighten us out. In the 70's if you were straight, then you didn't smoke dope or do drugs, but then Reagan came along, and this bible obscession thing.  Now if your straight your suppose to be the ones that are right and usually white it seems.

 Who said whites are to set the standard, probably a white guy?  I am one only by accident of birth, this has bothered me, this separation, I recently saw the same point  in a Walter Mosley novel, too. I do not want others to change their culture or ways of living, to suit me. I kind of like diversity and it's real. I do not want to be afraid to hang out with my brother of color. I learned from the time I left home, at 18, that I could trust some,and not trust others, dispite their color, but I don't hate them if they rip me off, maybe they need it more then me. maybe they need it to SELL and buy FOOD!!! In the 1970's while stationed in Oakland at the Navy Hospital, I would share my smoke  with anyone I'd meet on the A/C transit bus. It didn't hurt me, more fun to smoke with someone else. I would go  to East 14th Street for my nightly Schlitz Tall boy and I hear that it's really dangerous there right now. Why is this, is it many  symptoms of what? I saw my black brother in Oakland as strong and going for what he wants and needs, and he should and he needs to. We have no need to fear one another, if brother is in need and you HAVE IT  give to him...Remember, We are ALL just BOZOs on THIS bus..

A Queer is found on New Road

 No No not in my day!!! What was a queer anyway,  a Mo, what's a Mo?  All I knew was you might be  called that if,  and a  dreaded if, by god you touch another boy, by accident even. Translates over to me, that I don't want to be caught in that extremely desirable, sensual, sexy, skirt or dress.  So, what's a boy to do, mind you? I made it through a wet dream, and I had never even heard it existed, and was not scared. Who was gonna tell me this in a 1950's small town , catholic transcript-controlled town and state like Connecticut at the time. You should have seen the book we bought at the back of the catholic church, for teaching young boys about sex, Dad was to read sections to us as we came of age. Thank you, William Goldman for your books like Temple of Gold and Boys and Girls Together and John Knowles for a Separate Peace, Salingers Catcher in the Rye, too. In one of these was a boys first time in the city, looking at the room across the way  and seeing a man dressing in women's clothing, with the curtains open. I don't recall which book,  but there is more of us, I am not alone, by God.

This is a little bit of the setting for how and why I was formed to think. If you could see how I dress, it is from a bygone era, but, the clothes are still here and women are still wearing similar styles, with  little variations.   You might see me on a full moon, walking the street, enjoying myself, and only myself, being the only one awake.  If you would only come by, we may enjoy each other together. 

That a gay man's goal is a straight guy.. hmmm???

I have considered  that I can grasp that a gay man's goal is a straight guy, the ultimate catch. I believe that getting rid of the fear and being a transvestite and that I can bridge that chasm.I must be totally free and not be afraid of what others, or what I perceive others to think of me.I must be responsible for all my own actions, whatever I choose to do. I live with my parents, who are in their late 80's and early nineties, a father with dementia. What others may think of us is irrelevant and they are not even thinking what we think. If I was to be stopped by the cops, I would plead with them, not to let my parents, not for my sake,I'm 62 years old,  but to spare them, they don't need that, so I would only give  my cell phone. This goes through my mind as I was raised in the 50s, maybe that  something to do with it. Today you probably don't even think about that.

 Now how did I wind up in my hometown, the one I thought I escaped as I feel like Mrs. Roboto, who's circumstances went beyond her control. To not wind up in your hometown, the one that you've wanted to  escape from  is to decide to 1) never come back at all costs, 2) cut ALL ties with that part of your life and former world, 3) If hard times hit, do whatever you must do to keep from the temptation to go back. 4) Of course if your parents are there, you have ties, that are not easily broken, especially if you do not have kids o and a family. 5) a lady asked me how I was appointed the daughter in the family, the daughters is the usual one to  this job. Oh, if they only knew   how true this is. My parents had a boy child, although they have no grandchildren, nor daughter in law, they see a "boy child" and I am sure it can be so far away from their mind that I could be a transvestite or gay.It  takes a very progressive family to think this way, not so much parents who were raised from the 1920s in a country atmosphere. Well, you don't know my parents, like I don't know yours, experientially. Your parents would seem so nice to me, my parents would treat you so nice. you would wonder why I could bitch. My father for sure is two people, one he shows at home and the other, "such a sweetie" in public, he's unconsciously built this through time. Sure we all do this to a point.I really never got to really  know my father.   So, it is hard for people to see, how I see it, unless they been through similar themselves.
Grasp that for awhile,  it could be a lot.

A typical day at TanSonNhut and beyond.

 I was just watching a film, about a "typical day at TanSonNhut AB. This is where I spent the war, partially. I hadn't been in the Air Force near two years and I was going to Vietnam, thankfully with the Air Force, with only a brief stay at Beale AFB, Ca.

Why am I mentioning this? because it reminds me of all the times I thought and acted briefly on my crossdressing. I even was provided with a pink pleated skirt that I could have taken in my duffle bag to Vietnam and no one would have been the wiser, but I didn't, I was chicken.   I opted to suffer for the year, and even stole a blue dress off the clothes line of a Vietnamese chow hall worker and tried on Mama Sans silky black pants and she  even washed the dress and folded it neatly on my bunk. I would go to the BX every afternoon and watch for the ladies leaving at closing time wearing their pretty pencil skirts, especially a white american manager, and after seeing her I would go to the men's room and masturbate. Did you ever read John Steinbeck IVs' book, "In Touch" about Vietnam, well, this is mine.

 What I could have done, I could have had a pretty suit of clothes made at a taylor in Saigon, instead I opted to have some "disco" suits made, a leather vest with fringes, a pink silk shirt and a brown suit  with matching vest, ironically I didn't even use them.

 A year and a half or so after leaving the Air Force I entered the Navy as a Hospital Corpsman, and while in San Diego at hospital corps school having just washed my clothes, I decided to park near the laundromat, where only police park, and wear a skirt in my car that I had found in San Luis Obispo at a thrift store in a bag outside.  That skirt caused me to get busted for just a teenie weenie bit of pot that I had just smoked in a brand new corn cob pipe. I sure wasn't going to get busted for wearing a skirt, no not me. I wonder if it would have cost me that night in the county jail and subsequent short stay at the shore patrol shore station, probably not. They would have just let me go, after laughing and humiliating me, or worse taking my pants and making me wear the skirt to school in the morning, rather then searching my glove compartment and asking
 if I ever cleaned my car?and rather then putting on those uncomfortable bracelets behind my back and forcing me to ride in the cruiser. I did get the humiliation, by getting out of the Shore Patrol van as my fellow  students were taking a break from class that morning. It worked out, though I didn't get kicked out of school and there were no charges found against  me.

Then recalling the time just after release from the Air Force at Rancho Cordova, CA and staying with a friend while having my car fixed, to go home to Connecticut, I finally got a chance to try on a couple of dresses in his  female roomates closet, oh, and they fit and felt so good and I almost had a chance to get a green skirt too, I did try it on, it was in a bag in the garage waiting to go to the thrift store.  A missed  opportunity to own it for myself, not an opportunist  back then, I guess.

 Even while in bible school a dedicated crossdresser is not stopped, they call them "giveaway" with ample opportunities to collect a wardrobe.  Crossdressing wins out and becomes what you've always wanted to do above and beyond all else in your life. Putting God first can't hold a candle to it, for even God is not big enough, or was God behind this all the while, hmm.

an early Tuesday morning and I'm at it.

oh WOW it's an early Tuesday morning and I'm at it. Did I intro you to my father? The guy who etched his face in stone and hasn't changed it towards me in all these years. So what, if my brother and I, didn't become baseball players and weren't exactly the toughest kids on the block, pinning us and wrestling to toughen us up  didn't exactly work.  But, speaking for myself, having been the one that got away from home for awhile, and saw and lived something different, I think I did toughen up, maybe not meaning to, I became similar to his drill sargeant in boot camp, now this just isn't right, or is it, a SON he never got to know, being like his drill sargeant in marine boot camp at Camp Lajeune and Parris island. A SON, who started in the Air Force and later the NAVY to become a Hospital Corpsman. Later to be demoted in civilian life to a Nurse Aide, for the simple reason, he became a civilian, after 8 yrs in the military service. A SON who has a associate degree as a Medical Assistant from a state college in Indiana. Who also made an attempt at Nursing school, Gee, what else could get to this guy? What if HIS SON were to be his full time nurse aide complete with DRESS, SKIRT, BLOUSE, WHITE PANTY HOSE, or maybe, just bulky, dumpy, long skirt, clogs, just enough femininity to make this 91 year father, scowl and frown some more, Would this be the thing to make a father think,WHAT HAPPENED?. Probably NOT, I am just guessing on past behavior, all I can go on objectivity, for I never was really able to have a meaningful, personal discussion with my father, so that I could get a subjective assessment of him. Can you begin to get the picture? Where the only discussions I had was something HE wanted, like voting for the governor, so HE could have 4 more years to retire on, didn't he know I lived in another state? duh, didn't dawn on me to tell him, more people would know this, you'd think. This guy never even asked how the service was for me, like most SONS coming home. So, could this kind of thing have an effect on a SONS need to crossdress more and maybe for the objective of luring another man, partly as a rebellion against the MALE toughening behavior and partly as a need for a MAN in ones life.  And now I will leave it right there to let you think about it...   

Sunday night is my time !! to me

Sunday night is my time !! to me, a crossdresser/transvestite/drag queen, could you have all three?, maybe not all at once, but I think, YES. You would have to know that I am one, and have experience and am not joking with you. I'm sure you can spot the phony, to write about this in the personal should be enough. What "real" man would dress in women's clothes, yes, it takes a real man! So, don't cower, stand strong. I think to be a drag queen is to "make fun " of maybe the human race, to buffoon, the male and the female gender. I think of my father, I believe his visage is etched in stone, and has changed it very little in his 91 years. The brown steely, emotionless, blob, eyeballs this makes his son a crossdresser, transvestite, drag queen or helps it along. The rebellion against the macho emotionless maleness. The "how-dare-you" dress opposite of who you are, or was born. So, how dare YOU show absolutely NO emotion, not allowing any bit of so-called FEMININE kindnesses, no kissing, touching etc. except with the prescribed "right" gender. YES how dare YOU!!! I would like to serve my father (a 2 year, WWII marine)  dressed in skirts and  dresses and frilly things, just to show him the daughter that he helped create. He almost doesn't recognize his first born son, but he also wouldn't recognize his daughter if she decided to emerge right in front of him one day. This would have to be one thing to grow into, not jump in all at once, or have taken considerable thought to convince oneself, it is even possible, or just an action. After all I'm one up on him anyways, being an 8 Years veteran of Air force and Navy, oops! that doesn't count being up against a marine who SAW COMBAT, that's a REAL man!! really?  So see, being a rebellious crossdresser, trans-person has a worthy goal ahead of it. Well, that is what I wanted to express tonight,  and the WILL it takes to dress in our favorite clothing, HAPPY CROSSDRESSING!!!   

Oh! The Strange and Wonderful World of Transvestism...

To Me Transvestism brings to mind even the slightly macabre, not in a dangerous way as in causing harm, so fear not the transvestite, as I venture to say that if one comes across, "on a cold lonely desert highway " a lady roaming,"a ghost?" no I say a transvestite! out for a walk in the wee hours, a harmless soul, looking to be spotted by the unsuspecting. I hope there is more that venture forth in such manner, for the world needs such.
The unsuspecting, fairy tale-ish charm, the simple,
 and joyful. I was incredibly inspired by a transvestite, flitting around the back, behind a wrought iron fence of a Denver gay bar in the late 1970's, gave me hope for my life and inspiration, later to be heeded. So never fear to come out and be the transvestite that you have always been called to. It was planted in you as a young child,  am I the only one that has this need to dress as the opposite sex, no, I am not. If they question your manliness, then say. "Who is the more man?" What man would do as I do?  After the initial, I continually was alerted many times to anything that pertained to "dressing" no matter how small. I never lacked for any clothing, if I heeded the call, "the gods"
provided for me many times in abundance, never lacking, not much money at times but clothing galore. Do not ever purge the wardrobe that the gods provide, do not doubt , my child. I did a Southern Gospel radio show in the early 90's and while hunting up old records to play, old quartets of the 50's and 60's mainly, would always find clothes to wear, I wonder how many in southern gospel music go for the sake of watching the quartet ladys dressed in beautiful skirts and dresses, I love it! not so much the music anymore but the attire. I remember attending concerts at churches where I would slip out before the food was completely put away so as to dress in a skirt in my dark car. I guess the Lord doesn't mind, for he said, "greater is he that is in you then he that is in the world" I believe transvestism must be greater then that for it has always ruled out, as the "the thing" that is greater then what he put in me. I find that this is what I was born to do, above any thing else. I lose a job I worked for, but I cannot lose the desire to dress-up. If church forbid this practice, they will lose, NOT the transvestites, transvestism is the Rock of which all will be ground to dust, if it is messed with, a find flour-like dust,too!!! I might add....