When the GIRL Michele comes out

When the GIRL Michele comes out, watch out for she is a seductress, and a true temptress, you better be ready for sexual activity, and no asking your Doctor, either. At such and such an age wouldn't sexual activity be welcome? An wouldn't even the fear of death not withstand it? Wouldn't that be the ultimate, dying right there in the throws of the most violent orgasm that you or anyone else has ever known?  So, why not just GO for it no holds barred. What does your doctor know, that he wouldn't do for him or herself if the opportunity arose.   

Michael, where art thou now?

As I told you, I met Michael in Mom & Pops Cafe where I would frequently have lunch with Georgee. Shuttlecock was his family name, a black sheep  who only inherited a small business from his father.  Michael would swing through the trees with  ease and how did he make it look so easy, claiming he was in such pain from an auto accident he suffered.  Michael was one of the few, if the only one, who asked me about work, cleaning up and raking debris after he was done a job like I had when I was in high school. I'm not a very physical person, as I had only worked in nursing and  radio DJ.

After a brief few months back east, after moving out on Georgee, I returned to help Michael with his computer.  Things transpire so differently over the phone then in person. Michael had a girlfriend now and I was sleeping in his woodshed,  better then being outside in the cold. We would go out and work during the day and prepare things around his place. Michael lived on a plot of land he rented which  resembled an antarctic expedition complete with two airstream trailers in a clump of trees in the midst of the cornfields of Indiana.

I liked Michael, he was a handsome sort, with slightly longish dark hair the kind I like on a man, I could go for him right now.  He knew of my "crossdressing" as I think quite a few in town did  for Werner, Indiana is a very small town and things involving Officers Tallman, Newt, and Donal travel fast.  One morning we were fooling around on his computer and he asked me why I dressed in those  clothes,  being a man and things like this befuddled  folks, being in such a straight and narrow area.  I couldn't explain it to him satisfactorily,  for I didn't know myself.   Michael started  "coming on" to me, maybe more to see how far I would go, which wasn't very far being a good "christian"  and being a bit confused with these feelings  myself.

Michael was one  who believed in a "Hell fire and Brimstone"  preaching, maybe thinking this is what is needed to keep a person in line.  Michael wanted a lady to marry and have a good, "christian" family. He had a girlfriend, who I didn't  think  was such  a prize, but to each his own.  I went to a bible fellowship in the  city also, not far from his "hell fire" church.


I should explain that Michael and I had a falling out while working one day.  I was cleaning up after he had finished trimming a tree and apparently I wasn't fast enough for him.  He grab the rake, I should have let him, but I resisted and he started hitting me. This hurt me more then the physical blows and I stood there debating whether I should just walk off and leave him, it wasn't easy,  but I left crying all the way to where I could get a ride to get my car.







One sunday morning I was waiting, in my car in the parking lot of his church, I hadn't seen him in a few months and really wanted to,  having moved further north to Mancest,  until he came walking past my car.  He seemed genuinely happy to see me and that I would seek him out after what had happened. Today,  I would have done more then just the few words I spoke.  I wonder now how things could have been between us and how different it could have turned out.  How many times  as we seek to be like all the rest and never do  according to our real desires.

 Eventually, after I had left Indiana for back east, Michael would wind up in trouble, because of this girl who ran off with an man from Anders.  Michael shot the guy wounding him in the knee over a woman, spending time in the state pen, and eventually winding up dead in his trailer, from who knows what, suffocation or an overdose of pain killers or both.   I do miss Michael and wonder.

How are you gonna OUT yourself to an 87 yr. old mother at 62....

I have read my mother, she thinks that I don't know her, but,  I know her, remember I am the sissy in the family and what do sissies do? They LISTEN, and they listen to the ladies, and they learn things from the ladies.

 Some of us are so fascinated by the  ladies and especially their clothing. How soft, black wool skirt, taffetta lining, and when left alone, a beeline is made for that skirt, dig? Oh, to feel that skirt so soft on your body is  absolute ecstasy, like your in heaven, and nothing can replace that, not even the wrath of god can make me stop. I also feel that I can be a "friend" to the ladies in a way that their husbands or boyfriends know not of, and in this way I am not a threat to their husband, for I am LIKE one of the "girls."  I know, I am always stuck chatting with the ladies, I feel shunned by the men at times, even if trying to be interested in their sports. What if I spent that time upstairs dressing and THEN came down and seduced them?

 So, would I be considered a "bottom" or a "top" I don't seem to feel one way or another, sometimes a "top" and other times a "bottom"

So, it is like, do we know ourselves, right......  Do we doubt ourselves, another YES........ should we, NO, a thousand times NO!!!

It's interesting to me that at 62 years old, that I am the daughter in the family. The daughter they didn't know they even had, and if brought up this way, mother will deny it, for she was sure she had a male baby. They do not know how right I am, ha, ha.  Mother has her wits, because she had to deal with witless Father, all her life.
She is the only one that I could even attempt to come OUT to, My Father would never understand, or know what it is, he would laugh ha ha ha ha. So, no worries there, the devil in me as thought of showing up  stairs one evening dressed as a female nurse,  what would he say? he'd "think" there was another woman in the house. I just don't want to scare them, chicken me, what harm would it do, bring some cheer into the house?


Today, this would not be a real problem, or maybe it would, We, know so much or "think" we know. The 50's were a time that we didn't talk about these things even in school, we went there ignorant, came out ignorant. The little "leave it to beaver" generation, middle class suburban, on the poor side of town, north central Connecticut.

 If we "accidentally" touch a boy, it was. " hey! what are you, a MOE?'  What the F**** is a MOE? they never told me, but I continued to wonder. or, the big one, " Did your father ever F**** your mother?" An easy one you say?  If you know what F**** means, but not ME at that age. No I never even knew there was such a concept. We hadn't got to that page in that catholic book, "How to explain SEX to your boys"

This is a little bit of the atmosphere I grew up in, get the picture? 

Still Shell-shocked from Fundamentalism,( in my case Christianity)

I didn't consider myself a newbie from Christianity, I had been in it for quite some time. I endeavored to "Renew my Mind" according to Romans 12. like put on New Mind according to God's Word, because you are a New creation in Christ, old things have past away, all things have become NEW.  What psychological term can be used here? sounds like 'I see" nothing, I know nothing, I am clean. I also Spoke in tongues ,  but the tongue was strangely familiar to what my brother and I used to do, or at least I did, while swinging on our swingset. I was intrigued with the day of pentecost where the 12 apostles heard a rushing mighty wind, I've heard it said this was a heavy breathing, 12 guys, heavy breathing, imagine in the Mormon tabernacle, gay men?  could that sound like a rushing mighty wind?  you decide.....

I know that I am NOT possessed to do this, I am fully under my control at all times, some said that they were drunk, no these people were not drunk. For I  have been a  very few times very drunk, and you can be out of control. So with this speaking in tongues, I know when I am going to speak in a tongues as the spirit gives the utterance, I by my will, will to do so.I am not possessed to do this by another power. An I have thought long, the spirit gives the utterance? which spirit could this be? An evil one will TAKE your freedom of will away, out of control.  YOU have to be "in control"  This is the only  thing about Christianity that still sticks and  makes me think, what is this?  I had heard at that time was that water is thicker then blood, like spirit is to flesh. flesh being blood. As hard as I tried to be in unity and fellowship with my "christian" brothers and sisters, I found and I sensed a wedge between us. Did I do something wrong, you didn't like? I search within myself incessantly for the answer to this and could find little that would warrant this division, I never really truely felt free and at ease when with other "believers" and to this day I cannot make contact with them. This is funny, for spirit is thicker then blood would they forgive?  for doing nothing wrong, maybe I believe different, is this a crime, I have done no one harm, that I am aware. I feel like John Candy in the movie, "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles" I tend to find someone I really like and I smother the poor bastard, this is what Candy said, I smother the poor bastard.  What am I speaking another language, one many cannot hear? many do not live their creed.  Being around the the LGBT community, I find it different. Especially at first in Indiana, where I felt safer being outside the gay bar  with black men coming to the car showing me their "thing" while I was there dressed in "drag" Safer from all the world, a paradox?  the only thing was with ME, I was AFRAID to go inside. What a community for the most part. That I could feel safer within the LGBT commununity then I ever did in fundamentalist christianity and church. Of course there is always a time in any relationship to learn a mutual trust, But in the Latter it never truly came.  Sorry, to say, how could it come? You see in christianity, you do not speak of the things of the past, your present is Christ and only Christ and you continually put on what you know is Christ from the Bible. Squelching out your past or just YOU specifically, really only repressing  YOU and your urges, so when you quit repression the urges come back, why don't you say to yourself, "Self, you can do anything you want, but all is not what you want to do and  that that you don't want to do  is what breaks the Golden Rule, so you have to choose those things which are according to the Golden Rule, [Do to others as you would want them to do to you]. You don't want theft then you don't steal.  Think about it....And that is it, Love others as you would want them to love YOU.. It takes the weight off of YOU doing the
DOING. of it causing repression of your urges.  If one is going to come OUT, come OUT of course only when YOU are ready, and some are long overdue.....

Saturday afternoon chat with Officers Donal & TallMan...

I was remembering , the other day when I was sitting in Officer Donals office being interrogated, by Officer Donal himself, a smug man, and pudgy,of self importance of slightly english breeding, I say slightly because he was a cop. Why did he pick the land of Indianas to practice in a small town. He was suspicious of me from the time I set foot in his town. HIS town, his town should have been called "Donal" rather then my first name, which is Werner. How dare they name His town after me, a stranger.. Then Georgee the elderly lady I was staying with, had, had " people of color" in her house. oooh!!!and now she's having a transvestite?.  So, that automatically pins me as some one to watch, and  we're both from the east, having at some point in our lives lived in the land of Connect-i-cut, and I being born  in the northern part. I might mention that having been in radio  in those parts of Indiana, a listener said once all his life he wanted to see someone from Connect-i-cut.  This Officer Donal may have had the same fixation. This really leads to some interesting conclusions and assumptions.

I  continued living that short time, making acquaintences  of some of the blacker sheeps in the town, one in particular was man called Shuttlecock, his profession was leading cops on wild goose chases through town, while swinging in trees, a tree man by trade.   He was the only one concerned enough to ask me about work,and offering me some. Then there was  "Quiet man", Doyle, who sat  by himself while eating at Mom & Pops cafe, who claimed to be able to fix a certain types of rare automobiles no longer in production, his yard was strewn all over with them. Need I say more, but I must mention  Pepi the Mexican  fellow with his son, Tuny, pronounced like Turny, saying, " stop it Tuny, No Tuny"  who fixed and repaired shipping pallets,and who introduced me to "Quiet man" Doyle, after I hit a coyote at night while driving through cornfields. They never devulged to me any knowledge of my secret pastimes. There was talking and questioning of key people, like Georgee I lived with  and her two derelict roomers, one which was named Danny B, who told me flat out, that the only reason I did this was to attract men, he said he saw this behavior while in the Air Force. I knew Officer Donal and his cohorts had been around, snooping, for Georgee mentioned vaque things about, "why I'd never think that men would dress in women's clothes, why I'll never understand"  like this befuddled her, and Danny B, came running downstairs one night when I returned, to see what I looked like. Seeing nothing peculiar, he preceded back upstairs, I'm sure disappointed. What did he think? that I would return dressed fully in drag in this small Indiana town? duh? After all, Donal had specifically told me to keep this behavior behind closed doors. I hope no one peeked in the front windows late at night as I tiptoes down the stairs in full regalia, white skirt, pink sweater and white graduation heels, woe. Georgee's apartment was a converted storefront, fancy place, high ceilings and more like a lawyers office then an apartment, this is why during the day people would open the door if unlocked and ask where such and such a business was, not where hoosiers would think to have an apartment. Nonetheless, you can see that in these parts, my behavior and Georgees would draw whimsical looks.  

Oh, and the library where the internet was wont to be used, the early days when it was all new and people were scared, and what did the librarian know of such goings on, she must have known something, she seemed cool though, I'm sure Officer Donal and possibly TallMan and wise-ass Newt were in and out questioning her of my character, or what they thought I was surfing for, more information about my secret pastime, what else?

One saturday I returned to town and Officer Donal, saunters up to my car an asks if I have a few minutes, for Officer TallMan wants to question me and he will be right there. I didn't fully realize at the time how much information he was gathering on his investigation, probably nothing, or that he was investigating, even. I waited for TallMan as he came to town in his squad car and we sat in Officer Donal's little office, he rehashed how much I scared Yard Sale Lady and that they would be watching me, closely,. and they would see what "the prosecuter" would have to say. Oh, no not the "prosecutor," why such interest, was Officer TallMan interested in getting together with me for a little tryst? I had my suspicions though  I didn't even know he was a detective at the time, nor of any investigation. They left it at that, they would be watching me, a little unnerving, but nothing ever happened, I am a good boy, as I said. All this investigation going on as I mentioned about the questioning of  this weird fellow an his wife up in Anders, where I would visit a "crippled" lady and walk outside at night, in drag. Weird fellow saw me for I could see his pin head in the window, the only other one awake at night, besides me. I told Officer TallMan about said fellow who had a car exactly like mine, with license numbers so similar, and I found that the owner was working a job in Anders and drove by Yard Sale Lady's house on the main road every day during that time, such a coincidence it sounds eerie, doesn't it? This is small town Indiana life, they know your there even though you don't know they know, and no one will ever tell you either. Small unassuming states called the" "Cross"roads of America" may be interpreted  in two ways, while driving through from east to west never stopping or, if you decide to stay, they can be CROSS with you until they get to trust you, which may never come, or may come  only with a few people nice people, it's a nice place but toe the mark and don't veer off the straight and narrow...It's the CROSS of Christ you see, and don't you forget it!!...(more exciting tales to come)    
 

Why not crossdress ?

I'm thinking about how, when I first got back, I would go to a support group in New Haven and then afterwards I usually tried to go out to a gay bar. Which is always fun, better then any other bar in the world., the non-judgemental atmosphere, is truly refreshing, and I'll bet especially after 20+ years in a christian fundamentalist group, because I was there or on the periphery of it. It's a f***ing addiction, like anything else, and withdrawals like, what the f*** am I going to do now, not that I am weaning myself of this addiction, but cold turkey, about 11 years now,and quiting it along with cigarrettes, too, and it seems as though no one else knows what your going through, Of course not all of it is, there are things that can be beneficial. So, separating the bad from the not so bad, to the outright bad. Why do knowing  christians shun you, if you choose to believe different? I thought I was told that spirit was thicker then blood, and a friend is one who sticks closer then a brother.Is it that the christian is tought to believe the certainty of the uncertain, which is faith,not even that there is a historical basis for their belief. We may have been taught the christian walk is like walking on water, who can walk on water? literally.No one!!! not even Jesus. So quite possibly this can be called a figure of speech, for it speaks of something which is impossible, literally, to be carry out. Could it be actually talking about what life is like, you are only allowed to live in the present, alhtough the past may tend to encroach on your present from time to time, especially if at 62 years old you find yourself living with and shopping for your parents, driving your parents from appointment to  appointment when necessary. Living in the same house you grew up in and escaped from at 18, to go in the service. Now you are back, for 11 years now,  and some may say returned to the prision that we thought we had escaped from. How do we maintain our life, apart from our parents, so that we can maintain our sense of self intact. We have two generations here, one from the 1920-40's and the other one from the 50's - 70's . See, this is the general spread on how we learn to think. I'm taught by this generation their values, or not taught. So I grow up, I leave and my greatest influence after the initial shock of the formative 1950's is the 1970's, I believe this was a great decade. the rock music, even the drugs, of course not if you choose heroin or something like ,  that sucks, but, I say the Pot was good. So, then I say the 80's come and with it Ronald Reagan, psst, I thought we got rid of him in California, and along come a sweeping sucking into the Bible maybe, it seemed to be everywhere, and some may luckily have eluded it. and now after spending 20 years trying to make heads or tails out of the Bible, you find yourself sunk. Aaaaah !!! what now? Have you ever heard of the lecture series the "Massey Triad" ? This generations quandary is explained very well out of the "Massey Triiad" Massey  does teach how to recognize it, and how it comes about. People of the 20's-40's raise kids in the 50's " the' leave to beaver" generation, that then will raise kids in maybe the 70's or 80's and so forth. Now our beavers were taught by people who lived through the great depression, and WW2, when after they returned from WW2 then returned to jobs, it maybe a factory manufacturing job or something higher, it was a job, none the less, so then many of us who's father worked in a factory, were urged to get an education, at least high school, or go in the service, so we could get a "white collar' job, what ever that could be, otherwise we were told to get  the "pick and shovel" out .Just a little synopsis of how this thing may have come about. So now I am home back living with those folks who raised me according to the WW2 generation standards within the framework like " leave it to beaver" but, I didn't stay with the "leave it to beavers" I went out and learned more on my own and endeavored to live it, and now I am back and sometimes it seems the Past and Present are very closely alligned...How to have a life of your own  without having the past thoughts keep coming up on you and engulfing you, coming up next in our exciting series.....

what's the News on NEW RD. in the still of the night?

What's it like on, New Rd, in the still of the night, really still, it's stiller then still, so still it should be illegal to be that still, in one given moment. Get the picture of one section of New Road only one is awake at night, and somewhat moving, and even in daytime it's still fairly still, except for more cars zooming by down the street, and it seems as though as soon as I'd start to move, towards the mailbox sure as shootin' a car will go by, or if I start backing, like math another car. If I stay in the house and didn't move, then no cars would come by, seems like it on New Rd., though, and I thought Indiana was slow? Just waiting on a transvestite to appear,and to brighten up the night or day, my take on the wonderful world of Transvestitites, if there is a god, then god created transvestites to brighten the night, and the day, ANGELS to give us all hope, for a better day to come. Makes you want to go right out and become a transvestite doesn't it?  Well, do you have a better explanation of what and why you may or may not be called to the high and holy privilege of being a Transvestite? Even those who are called, may wonder how to respond if someone ask you the question, " Why do you do that?" and in Indiana," Why do you dress like that?"" your a man!!  then dress like one"  Why do you choose to wear a uniform and drive around in cars with flashing lights? It's that natural? . I'll bet Officers TallMan, Newt and Donal may still be wondering about that anomaly that went through their town. "Why was he dressed as a girl?" and some of them still have wet dreams over this! TallMan even launched his own investigation and I don't truly know how and why, but I saw him drive into an apartment complex where I was at in his squad car, and talk to a fellow , who was always up late at night looking out his window. Weird couple they were,  I met them. I'd sware this guy was in on this investigation, because I was out walking around at night and I'm sure he saw me. This  in a way fits with  Yard Sale Older Lady, who accused me of stalking her. I found out later that a fellow in my town who had a car exactly like mine even down to similar license plate numbers so close, it could pin me. This fellow had been doing a job in which he drove that road every day. Now speak of coincidence ? Sounds pretty eerily  far fetched doesn't it? I still scratch my head over it. See, all this evidence TallMan had been gathering on me, for what good  reason? Probably as evidence to slander me if I ever decided to run for office. Just like the time while in the Navy. I was out on a sunday night doing laundry,  in El Cajon.  I carefully washed and  dried the one precious skirt I had acquired in a raid of a thrift store in San Luis Obispo, don't worry, no shots were fired, it was in a bag left outside, for me, see how god works. Before doing my laundry I purchased a new corn cob pipe you know for what? and smoked a teeny weenie bit of a teeny weeny bit, after my laundry was done, then duh, I decided to park in a dark spot in the parking lot next to the laundrymat and smoke more. I didn't know that this  dark spot was reserved for Officers of the El Cajon Police Department and soon found myself being told to "get out of the car" and the officers were searching through Jack-in-the-box rappers saying, "Don't you ever clean this car?' They found the smoke in the glove box.  I thought much later, what if they only caught me in the skirt?  Would I have been cuffed and made to ride downtown? It's only speculation now, but I got busted for pot to save that one and only precious skirt. It all worked out, an eternal night in jail, an eternal hour at the shore patrol station , and the long walk out of that van in front of all the other seamen  at break, would the U.S. Navy have paraded me through that crowd if I had been busted for and had that skirt on? jezus!! curses! but it was all just a little stunt I believe for most of the San Diego and surrounding police departments are  ex-navy. and surprisingly  the public defender never found those files on me. But I'll bet if I ever decide to run for office, some how those files will mysteriously  show up, where could they be? it's why so many good people never run for office for fear of those missing files showing up, and not  so much for the pot but for that precious little skirt.    

Friendly chats with the Officers, TallMan, Newt & Donal.

My friendly chats with Officers, TallMan, Newt & Donal, I cannot forget these priceless precious moments . These fellows look for adventure and then don't see it for what it is. This happened just after I was at a tag sale, of an Older Lady. not Nora, I'll just call her Older Lady. Older Lady starts showing me all the "pretty clothes" her sister sent her, why me, does she know something? Obviously not, I didn't tell her,or give an inkling, I'm a man, I shouldn't be interested in her little pretties, should I? So, weird, me, thinks gee... I can be a friend, I'll return later on in full dress, shoes, purse and all, and knock on the door. Now I am not stoned, perfectly sober, and I don't realize that she is in there cowering and calling relatives to come to her aid,  geesus duh! So, I go back out to the car to discretely redress into something more presentable, and while a female relative arrives, and I decide to leave so she follows me down  the county road untill I decide to pull off. I stop and she warns me never to come around again. She thinks I'm stalking Older Lady as I learn later. I think this is the end this, but  I am confronted by Officers TallMan, Newt, & Donal at my residence. These "nice" gentle boys threaten me with incarceration and warn me if some of the other incarcerees get a hold of me what they will do, then mention the "chilling" horrifying words, the "County Prosecutor"   The Officers ask if I am seeking treatment of any kind, and I use the "christian" word deliverance, yes I am seeking "deliverance." The Officers don't understand, for they are really not aware of christian trends, are they?  So I clarify that I am seeking to "change." The Officers further threatens me to stay behind closed doors, it is implied that's where such behavior belongs.  Hey we are in the deepest darkest reddest Indiana, remember. I just told them the truth of my little hobby, to crossdress.  The funny part of all this is after our little talk is over, the Officers turn around and march away, and as they get a certain distance, as if on cue, all three Officers turn around and glare at me. I would assume that they are so flabbergasted of meeting someone like me that they can't believe their eyes, and ears. I can say I certainly used improper judgement in returning to the scene and scaring the sh** out of Older Lady, but why  did she tempt me with clothing? I had been perfectily "content," with dressing behind closed doors. Will I stop this insanely strange behavior? Absolutely not! I am harmless, I will harm no one, I just will use better judgement,  at all times when I go out. More to come possibly with the  Officers, TallMan, Newt, & Donal and maybe more with Older Lady, and Nora and the mysterious Mistress Michele.

Nora, good woman, Bill's wife till, Bill's death. FREE at last...

 I  must  tell you now  about Nora, she was so wonderful, Nora was Bill's wife, I worked with Bill in the orchard and the tree farm, he was the one who carried the oil can, so as to oil the chain on the chainsaw. Bill said it was the hardest job for a retiree to do, but we had fun working while Frank, who owned the farm,  walked around , he liked to get away, but his wife didn't want him out by himself he was around 80.

 Well, let's get back to Nora, I  never sat  much with her while Bill was alive and never met his son then. Nora  was different, but I could dig her,she was a bit older,  but, when one terribly needs to dress up in those "special" clothes, a friend like Nora is essential.  She was lonely after Bill died, and I could go over late at night and dress for her. Nora would give  pointers on lipstick an so on. I then I would dress and model all my "pretty" clothes for her, drink coffee and  kiss and hug,  just two of us girls, enjoying each others company, and chatting, you know, girl stuff.  Nora would tell me stories about how Bll, she thought, liked to wear her housecoat and  would warn her about the Holm boys,  for he was one himself.   I must tell you about the Holm boys. I never met them ,  Nora warned me that they would roar up and down the county road, in their pickup trucks,  putting terror in her and you had to beware of them.  this happened in the land of Indiana. the deepest reddest part.  Then there was this blonde woman that used to hide in the attic and come out  to visit Nora., I never saw her, but  we had quite a get together.  We had fun, just me and Nora and the blonde woman, waitin' on those Holm boys.  and doing the "bad" thing, dressing in those clothes.   Then when I got scared that I would have to come east, I left most of my wardrobe with Nora.  I knew from much faith that god would always provide for me, nice clothing.  Never did I beg him for that.  Seems you always have to beg for other things, NEVER clothing, even the opposite kind, the ones they asked me why I wore.

 I must mention  Nora had a grown son, whom I never met while Bill was alive, so on meeting him  only with Nora one day ,he looked suspicious at me,  and I'm sure he had  difficulty completely trusting  me. having never met me while Bill was alive,  and being around his mother now, and I wasn't even dressed in those "special clothes."  Folks from Indiana are very protective of their kin, as we all tend to be, but more so in Indiana.
  Why beg for all kinds of  healing when god providing those "special" clothes is  enough healing even with times of  trouble, and whoever this god is, provided Nora   a wonderful woman and a dear friend, and then,  Gee! when she disappeared, with all those clothes locked in her house, heartache and panic ensued. Why?  because to this day I could think about the clothing that I can't find or  replace,   swearing that I'd never, never, purge my stuff ever again.  For bible fans, this could be like the story of Elijah , living with a widow woman and her sick son. and what did he do all day?.  Couldn't leave the house, like the town marshal told me, because Jezebel and Ahab, like TallMan and Newt, were watching him and if the widow was like Nora, who disappeared with all his clothing locked in her house guarded day and night by her "sick" son and the Holm boys, whats a man to do? he can't drink, no water, no rain,  mood swings and rage? so, having these clothes sounds like the healing god intended doesn't it?

what really is the big deal about marriage

So, what really is the big deal about marriage in general? I would think that the SAME SEX couple might just be more faithful to the commitment. Whether they have a "religious" ceremony or not, I would prefer not going through the "religious" thing, with their VOWS and all that, Because you know what the BIBLE said about VOWS, that if you defer not to pay "the VOWS" that it could be bad luck. 'look it up" in the Bible.  So, if there is truly LOVE there, who would break the VOW? or truly a partnership of "help mates" together. Who would need but a bare minimum of Government intrusion, like only for legal purposes, taxes and such. And unless you love the emotional ceremony of the Religious service, this can be done away with, you could preform your own "Religious" service in the hotel room, or spa or such like. I always had a problem with  marriage, not only because as child I was exposed to my aunt as a bride who danced the polka, and just swung her gown around. What a Scary thing for some young children like myself? I'm still not married at 62, a traumatized. I enjoy chatting with married women, and their husband don't find me a threat. I'm like one of the girls, I believe and dress just like them at times. See, without the "possessiveness" that many times comes with marriage VOWS and jealousies which is the rage of a man, and he will not be satisfied though you give to him many gifts, it's in the proverbs I believe, "instructions for young people." With LOVE as a trust, we can be FREE, Also in HEAVEN (I believe its the spirit realm) there is no marriage nor giving in marriage, for we are like the angels in HEAVEN. and like about only 3x in the New Testament, being IN Christ, there is neither Male nor Female, now being IN CHRIST, I'd believe is being WALKING INI THE SPIRIT or in Spirit Realm, where we WANT to be  whether Alive or Passed ON. or IN the BODY or OUT of the BODY. See, we are not gonna have this same body in the Spirit Realm, so we will not recognize each other as we do NOW, Sorry! for those who want to keep the "Circle Unbroken" and see Uncle Joe, and Aunt Margaret as they are NOW with all their little foibles, and faults, anyways wasn't Uncle Joe kind of an asshole at sometimes, or we ourselves assholes too? But we'll see the REAL Self of each of us, none of this hiding. Laid BARE before each of us tee hee. ha ha ha makes ya wanna hang around GAY folks doesn't it?. Think about it, if you can, it's probably a lot to swallow, so take your time and.later on. 

Do not be surprised, "and you KNOW who you are"

Do not be surprised, "and you KNOW who you are" I do not have to tell you, YOU know!!  If the WORLD hate you, they hated me before they hated you, It is the LOVE of money that is the ROOT of all EVIL, Many ERR on account of this LOVE OF MONEY, I will take care of you, but do not LUST after this filth lucre, what can you do after you have amassed so much MONEY, EAT it??? Go ahead!! try it??? And whose have eaten it, turn into Assholes and do not care for their fellow man, ME only they say, YOU can starve.... They say Let Jesus into your heart, I say beware, who you  let into your heart, there are many deceivers out there. many voices, many more with them then with the true. Scripture will faret this out , but beware of written scripture, it is easily muddied, learn to hear my voice and my spirit. it is in I Co 12-14 too. learn to hear my voice, my spirit, you may or may not be very popular, never FEAR... this is enough, for now..ponder, meditate on it....think deeply... 

A Milestone is reached on New Road,

A milestone on New Road, Mr. L passed on. Where did Mr L. go? Catholics think positively that Mr. L went to Heaven IF he died in the state of Grace, with no major sins, venial or mortal,  so that he would have to work them off in purgatory. Oh! of course Mr. L went right  to Heaven, being 100 years old, how could he not? In his life, as I remember, he took up the collection in the 1960's at church, his daughter went to school with me, a couple years ahead because she was older, and his other daughter was much older. How could he not go to heaven, knowing the rigamarole of rules involved in the church, that later was done away with.  Who could keep all those rules, catholics?  Some are sooo good and SOME, not so good.  Even if you never went to mass again, if ask,  you always say Catholic, with no doubt.  Is there any doubt, you probably don't know the bible, but who needs to be cluttered with that knowledge?  Whatever the priest, or the Baltimore catachism, says is good enough. Look at those Evangelicals, how screwy they are. Of course they say the same thing, whatever the preacher preaches is OK, as long as we think he knows the bible, why should we read it, that takes so much  work, is it really worth it? It's in latin, or greek or hebrew, and who knows those languages these days and after all there are no originals, only copies, so who knows what? Maybe the Holy Ghost or holy ghost?  and where is he these days, if he is a he, maybe he's not a he or she, maybe an IT. Oh god!!!! thats to much so lets just leave now before it's to late, Okay...     

Have you considered the families in the Bible?

Have you considered things about the bible? Have you ever considered that the bible maybe family lines and generations of families? Moses and  then  Abrahams family. Maybe the bible was ones plea from the grave, pleas that we may know that mankind is a family, with family squabbles and misfits, and weirdoes everything that encompasses a family, and there someones that are sowing discord among this family. There are some sins, if we may call them sins, that are emphasized above others, like homosexuality, oh I shudder at the word, I'd much rather be called gay then that. Someone down through the ages didnot like this man/man or woman/woman thing, but it is such  a natural thing when you get men & women, men & men and women and women together. We're gonna want to socialize in varied and many ways, some in more or less different ways. Men like to hang out with other men,  naturally. Going fishing with the boys, except when it gets a little touchy feely at some point,  this is changing, though.  Women  can get away with more intimacy, it's in their nature, or they are just  subtly allowed to. Whoever made us as a species must figure that these things just happen, when you get people together, and ever since someone has been trying to straighten us out. In the 70's if you were straight, then you didn't smoke dope or do drugs, but then Reagan came along, and this bible obscession thing.  Now if your straight your suppose to be the ones that are right and usually white it seems.

 Who said whites are to set the standard, probably a white guy?  I am one only by accident of birth, this has bothered me, this separation, I recently saw the same point  in a Walter Mosley novel, too. I do not want others to change their culture or ways of living, to suit me. I kind of like diversity and it's real. I do not want to be afraid to hang out with my brother of color. I learned from the time I left home, at 18, that I could trust some,and not trust others, dispite their color, but I don't hate them if they rip me off, maybe they need it more then me. maybe they need it to SELL and buy FOOD!!! In the 1970's while stationed in Oakland at the Navy Hospital, I would share my smoke  with anyone I'd meet on the A/C transit bus. It didn't hurt me, more fun to smoke with someone else. I would go  to East 14th Street for my nightly Schlitz Tall boy and I hear that it's really dangerous there right now. Why is this, is it many  symptoms of what? I saw my black brother in Oakland as strong and going for what he wants and needs, and he should and he needs to. We have no need to fear one another, if brother is in need and you HAVE IT  give to him...Remember, We are ALL just BOZOs on THIS bus..

A Queer is found on New Road

 No No not in my day!!! What was a queer anyway,  a Mo, what's a Mo?  All I knew was you might be  called that if,  and a  dreaded if, by god you touch another boy, by accident even. Translates over to me, that I don't want to be caught in that extremely desirable, sensual, sexy, skirt or dress.  So, what's a boy to do, mind you? I made it through a wet dream, and I had never even heard it existed, and was not scared. Who was gonna tell me this in a 1950's small town , catholic transcript-controlled town and state like Connecticut at the time. You should have seen the book we bought at the back of the catholic church, for teaching young boys about sex, Dad was to read sections to us as we came of age. Thank you, William Goldman for your books like Temple of Gold and Boys and Girls Together and John Knowles for a Separate Peace, Salingers Catcher in the Rye, too. In one of these was a boys first time in the city, looking at the room across the way  and seeing a man dressing in women's clothing, with the curtains open. I don't recall which book,  but there is more of us, I am not alone, by God.

This is a little bit of the setting for how and why I was formed to think. If you could see how I dress, it is from a bygone era, but, the clothes are still here and women are still wearing similar styles, with  little variations.   You might see me on a full moon, walking the street, enjoying myself, and only myself, being the only one awake.  If you would only come by, we may enjoy each other together. 

That a gay man's goal is a straight guy.. hmmm???

I have considered  that I can grasp that a gay man's goal is a straight guy, the ultimate catch. I believe that getting rid of the fear and being a transvestite and that I can bridge that chasm.I must be totally free and not be afraid of what others, or what I perceive others to think of me.I must be responsible for all my own actions, whatever I choose to do. I live with my parents, who are in their late 80's and early nineties, a father with dementia. What others may think of us is irrelevant and they are not even thinking what we think. If I was to be stopped by the cops, I would plead with them, not to let my parents, not for my sake,I'm 62 years old,  but to spare them, they don't need that, so I would only give  my cell phone. This goes through my mind as I was raised in the 50s, maybe that  something to do with it. Today you probably don't even think about that.

 Now how did I wind up in my hometown, the one I thought I escaped as I feel like Mrs. Roboto, who's circumstances went beyond her control. To not wind up in your hometown, the one that you've wanted to  escape from  is to decide to 1) never come back at all costs, 2) cut ALL ties with that part of your life and former world, 3) If hard times hit, do whatever you must do to keep from the temptation to go back. 4) Of course if your parents are there, you have ties, that are not easily broken, especially if you do not have kids o and a family. 5) a lady asked me how I was appointed the daughter in the family, the daughters is the usual one to  this job. Oh, if they only knew   how true this is. My parents had a boy child, although they have no grandchildren, nor daughter in law, they see a "boy child" and I am sure it can be so far away from their mind that I could be a transvestite or gay.It  takes a very progressive family to think this way, not so much parents who were raised from the 1920s in a country atmosphere. Well, you don't know my parents, like I don't know yours, experientially. Your parents would seem so nice to me, my parents would treat you so nice. you would wonder why I could bitch. My father for sure is two people, one he shows at home and the other, "such a sweetie" in public, he's unconsciously built this through time. Sure we all do this to a point.I really never got to really  know my father.   So, it is hard for people to see, how I see it, unless they been through similar themselves.
Grasp that for awhile,  it could be a lot.

A typical day at TanSonNhut and beyond.

 I was just watching a film, about a "typical day at TanSonNhut AB. This is where I spent the war, partially. I hadn't been in the Air Force near two years and I was going to Vietnam, thankfully with the Air Force, with only a brief stay at Beale AFB, Ca.

Why am I mentioning this? because it reminds me of all the times I thought and acted briefly on my crossdressing. I even was provided with a pink pleated skirt that I could have taken in my duffle bag to Vietnam and no one would have been the wiser, but I didn't, I was chicken.   I opted to suffer for the year, and even stole a blue dress off the clothes line of a Vietnamese chow hall worker and tried on Mama Sans silky black pants and she  even washed the dress and folded it neatly on my bunk. I would go to the BX every afternoon and watch for the ladies leaving at closing time wearing their pretty pencil skirts, especially a white american manager, and after seeing her I would go to the men's room and masturbate. Did you ever read John Steinbeck IVs' book, "In Touch" about Vietnam, well, this is mine.

 What I could have done, I could have had a pretty suit of clothes made at a taylor in Saigon, instead I opted to have some "disco" suits made, a leather vest with fringes, a pink silk shirt and a brown suit  with matching vest, ironically I didn't even use them.

 A year and a half or so after leaving the Air Force I entered the Navy as a Hospital Corpsman, and while in San Diego at hospital corps school having just washed my clothes, I decided to park near the laundromat, where only police park, and wear a skirt in my car that I had found in San Luis Obispo at a thrift store in a bag outside.  That skirt caused me to get busted for just a teenie weenie bit of pot that I had just smoked in a brand new corn cob pipe. I sure wasn't going to get busted for wearing a skirt, no not me. I wonder if it would have cost me that night in the county jail and subsequent short stay at the shore patrol shore station, probably not. They would have just let me go, after laughing and humiliating me, or worse taking my pants and making me wear the skirt to school in the morning, rather then searching my glove compartment and asking
 if I ever cleaned my car?and rather then putting on those uncomfortable bracelets behind my back and forcing me to ride in the cruiser. I did get the humiliation, by getting out of the Shore Patrol van as my fellow  students were taking a break from class that morning. It worked out, though I didn't get kicked out of school and there were no charges found against  me.

Then recalling the time just after release from the Air Force at Rancho Cordova, CA and staying with a friend while having my car fixed, to go home to Connecticut, I finally got a chance to try on a couple of dresses in his  female roomates closet, oh, and they fit and felt so good and I almost had a chance to get a green skirt too, I did try it on, it was in a bag in the garage waiting to go to the thrift store.  A missed  opportunity to own it for myself, not an opportunist  back then, I guess.

 Even while in bible school a dedicated crossdresser is not stopped, they call them "giveaway" with ample opportunities to collect a wardrobe.  Crossdressing wins out and becomes what you've always wanted to do above and beyond all else in your life. Putting God first can't hold a candle to it, for even God is not big enough, or was God behind this all the while, hmm.

an early Tuesday morning and I'm at it.

oh WOW it's an early Tuesday morning and I'm at it. Did I intro you to my father? The guy who etched his face in stone and hasn't changed it towards me in all these years. So what, if my brother and I, didn't become baseball players and weren't exactly the toughest kids on the block, pinning us and wrestling to toughen us up  didn't exactly work.  But, speaking for myself, having been the one that got away from home for awhile, and saw and lived something different, I think I did toughen up, maybe not meaning to, I became similar to his drill sargeant in boot camp, now this just isn't right, or is it, a SON he never got to know, being like his drill sargeant in marine boot camp at Camp Lajeune and Parris island. A SON, who started in the Air Force and later the NAVY to become a Hospital Corpsman. Later to be demoted in civilian life to a Nurse Aide, for the simple reason, he became a civilian, after 8 yrs in the military service. A SON who has a associate degree as a Medical Assistant from a state college in Indiana. Who also made an attempt at Nursing school, Gee, what else could get to this guy? What if HIS SON were to be his full time nurse aide complete with DRESS, SKIRT, BLOUSE, WHITE PANTY HOSE, or maybe, just bulky, dumpy, long skirt, clogs, just enough femininity to make this 91 year father, scowl and frown some more, Would this be the thing to make a father think,WHAT HAPPENED?. Probably NOT, I am just guessing on past behavior, all I can go on objectivity, for I never was really able to have a meaningful, personal discussion with my father, so that I could get a subjective assessment of him. Can you begin to get the picture? Where the only discussions I had was something HE wanted, like voting for the governor, so HE could have 4 more years to retire on, didn't he know I lived in another state? duh, didn't dawn on me to tell him, more people would know this, you'd think. This guy never even asked how the service was for me, like most SONS coming home. So, could this kind of thing have an effect on a SONS need to crossdress more and maybe for the objective of luring another man, partly as a rebellion against the MALE toughening behavior and partly as a need for a MAN in ones life.  And now I will leave it right there to let you think about it...   

Sunday night is my time !! to me

Sunday night is my time !! to me, a crossdresser/transvestite/drag queen, could you have all three?, maybe not all at once, but I think, YES. You would have to know that I am one, and have experience and am not joking with you. I'm sure you can spot the phony, to write about this in the personal should be enough. What "real" man would dress in women's clothes, yes, it takes a real man! So, don't cower, stand strong. I think to be a drag queen is to "make fun " of maybe the human race, to buffoon, the male and the female gender. I think of my father, I believe his visage is etched in stone, and has changed it very little in his 91 years. The brown steely, emotionless, blob, eyeballs this makes his son a crossdresser, transvestite, drag queen or helps it along. The rebellion against the macho emotionless maleness. The "how-dare-you" dress opposite of who you are, or was born. So, how dare YOU show absolutely NO emotion, not allowing any bit of so-called FEMININE kindnesses, no kissing, touching etc. except with the prescribed "right" gender. YES how dare YOU!!! I would like to serve my father (a 2 year, WWII marine)  dressed in skirts and  dresses and frilly things, just to show him the daughter that he helped create. He almost doesn't recognize his first born son, but he also wouldn't recognize his daughter if she decided to emerge right in front of him one day. This would have to be one thing to grow into, not jump in all at once, or have taken considerable thought to convince oneself, it is even possible, or just an action. After all I'm one up on him anyways, being an 8 Years veteran of Air force and Navy, oops! that doesn't count being up against a marine who SAW COMBAT, that's a REAL man!! really?  So see, being a rebellious crossdresser, trans-person has a worthy goal ahead of it. Well, that is what I wanted to express tonight,  and the WILL it takes to dress in our favorite clothing, HAPPY CROSSDRESSING!!!   

Oh! The Strange and Wonderful World of Transvestism...

To Me Transvestism brings to mind even the slightly macabre, not in a dangerous way as in causing harm, so fear not the transvestite, as I venture to say that if one comes across, "on a cold lonely desert highway " a lady roaming,"a ghost?" no I say a transvestite! out for a walk in the wee hours, a harmless soul, looking to be spotted by the unsuspecting. I hope there is more that venture forth in such manner, for the world needs such.
The unsuspecting, fairy tale-ish charm, the simple,
 and joyful. I was incredibly inspired by a transvestite, flitting around the back, behind a wrought iron fence of a Denver gay bar in the late 1970's, gave me hope for my life and inspiration, later to be heeded. So never fear to come out and be the transvestite that you have always been called to. It was planted in you as a young child,  am I the only one that has this need to dress as the opposite sex, no, I am not. If they question your manliness, then say. "Who is the more man?" What man would do as I do?  After the initial, I continually was alerted many times to anything that pertained to "dressing" no matter how small. I never lacked for any clothing, if I heeded the call, "the gods"
provided for me many times in abundance, never lacking, not much money at times but clothing galore. Do not ever purge the wardrobe that the gods provide, do not doubt , my child. I did a Southern Gospel radio show in the early 90's and while hunting up old records to play, old quartets of the 50's and 60's mainly, would always find clothes to wear, I wonder how many in southern gospel music go for the sake of watching the quartet ladys dressed in beautiful skirts and dresses, I love it! not so much the music anymore but the attire. I remember attending concerts at churches where I would slip out before the food was completely put away so as to dress in a skirt in my dark car. I guess the Lord doesn't mind, for he said, "greater is he that is in you then he that is in the world" I believe transvestism must be greater then that for it has always ruled out, as the "the thing" that is greater then what he put in me. I find that this is what I was born to do, above any thing else. I lose a job I worked for, but I cannot lose the desire to dress-up. If church forbid this practice, they will lose, NOT the transvestites, transvestism is the Rock of which all will be ground to dust, if it is messed with, a find flour-like dust,too!!! I might add....

I am actually writing a BLOG

I am thinking about writing a blog NO NO I am actually writing a BLOG. And I am thinking that this BLOG will be or get pretty specific about the thoughts, the actions, the dreams, the experiences, of this PARTICULAR Crossdresser, I am  here, I am inspired by Cheryl made me do it !!! and boy have I got experiences in Crossdressing...maybe somewhat mundane to those who crossdress, but not so to those whose are thinking or considering taking up the hobby of crossdressing. You've probably already been formulating in your mind the idea of crossdressing for a very long time anyway, so admitt it, some seed got planted years ago somehow and it just starts to grow and grow and grow until it one day it pops through the ground and wants to get out and be seen, for exhibitionism is your goal, little by little. Even if you don't seem passable, never fear, as I heard in another blog years ago, the gender differences blur as we age and mature.So, how long does this blog post have to be? For I am running out of steam, any suggestions?